I have never
thought that I’m a good child. I always thought that I’m a child who rarely
listen to what my parent said. When my mother told me not to move to Bandung to
study my bachelor degree, I fought her with all my will. (Moreover, painfully,
this is just one example out of many events that I’m not proud to tell). My
dream has always been to live in North/ Western Europe someday. Why? Because my mother has
always told me to live there since it’s a better place in overall compared to
where I came from. She used to live in Netherland for roughly ten years. I was
born there. She never really like living in the country where she had raised me
for almost twenty-five years. So, I always thought that I have to go back there and take her to live with me.
Up until
this morning, it has always been my goal, but then she told me that the
situation has changed and since I have my family now and due to the recent
refugee issue, living in Europe as an immigrant family would not be easy. It
never occurred to me that I might have possibly sacrifice the future of my own
family to meet my imaginary goal using my mother as an excuse. (Actually, not
only my current family, my dream has indirectly affected some lives I have
shared my past with until this second I’m writing this).
I have to
admit that being reckless is one of my many weaknesses; a trait which I’m not
sure if I can be honest and mention this in any of my future job application
letters J. Yet
on the other side, I also believe that by being impulsive has brought me to the
life I live now, which for the last several hours I consider to trade with my
lifelong goal. Irony it is. If there is
a better time to fix my “mistake”, it would be now or never. Being a not so bad
researcher, I think I can finally spare my skill into making the decision that we need to take.
Random
thoughts/ notes:
I just
finished watching 신과함께, and it made me think about death.
I have experienced in total three deaths of people that are relatively close to
me, my father, my boyfriend, and mother of my boyfriend. Having this experience
reminds me that death is near, that it could happen anytime to anyone around me
including myself, and it could be out of sudden. I have readied myself with the
thought of my mother’s death since I was in high school and for some times
after that. I know I might sound crazy. I thought I was ready for it, but after
watching this movie, I realize that I can never ever be ready with the idea of
losing my beloved mom. Although we are separated by thousands of miles, I love
her a lot. On this stage, I’m not even sure what am I doing here being so far
from her, if this even worth it. It’s like, you have a woman/ man whom you
really treasure and you want to propose with a diamond ring, but you don’t have
the money yet to buy it.
PS: Sorry
if this post is not about my friends, which I promised to write about in my
previous post.
