Friday, March 9, 2018

European Dream


I have never thought that I’m a good child. I always thought that I’m a child who rarely listen to what my parent said. When my mother told me not to move to Bandung to study my bachelor degree, I fought her with all my will. (Moreover, painfully, this is just one example out of many events that I’m not proud to tell). My dream has always been to live in North/ Western Europe someday. Why? Because my mother has always told me to live there since it’s a better place in overall compared to where I came from. She used to live in Netherland for roughly ten years. I was born there. She never really like living in the country where she had raised me for almost twenty-five years. So, I always thought that I have to go back there and take her to live with me.

Up until this morning, it has always been my goal, but then she told me that the situation has changed and since I have my family now and due to the recent refugee issue, living in Europe as an immigrant family would not be easy. It never occurred to me that I might have possibly sacrifice the future of my own family to meet my imaginary goal using my mother as an excuse. (Actually, not only my current family, my dream has indirectly affected some lives I have shared my past with until this second I’m writing this).

I have to admit that being reckless is one of my many weaknesses; a trait which I’m not sure if I can be honest and mention this in any of my future job application letters J. Yet on the other side, I also believe that by being impulsive has brought me to the life I live now, which for the last several hours I consider to trade with my lifelong goal. Irony it is.  If there is a better time to fix my “mistake”, it would be now or never. Being a not so bad researcher, I think I can finally spare my skill into making the decision that we need to take.

Random thoughts/ notes:
I just finished watching 신과함께, and it made me think about death. I have experienced in total three deaths of people that are relatively close to me, my father, my boyfriend, and mother of my boyfriend. Having this experience reminds me that death is near, that it could happen anytime to anyone around me including myself, and it could be out of sudden. I have readied myself with the thought of my mother’s death since I was in high school and for some times after that. I know I might sound crazy. I thought I was ready for it, but after watching this movie, I realize that I can never ever be ready with the idea of losing my beloved mom. Although we are separated by thousands of miles, I love her a lot. On this stage, I’m not even sure what am I doing here being so far from her, if this even worth it. It’s like, you have a woman/ man whom you really treasure and you want to propose with a diamond ring, but you don’t have the money yet to buy it.

PS: Sorry if this post is not about my friends, which I promised to write about in my previous post.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Friends (part 1/1)

(Although the title is about 'Friends' but the subject on this post would be mostly about myself.)

Today I just read old post cards that my friend gave to me almost four years ago. There he mentioned that I have an anti social behavior. I gave it a thought.. and it reminds me of an MBTI (Myers–Briggs Type Indicator) test that I took recently which resulted in me being 51% introvert. I have never really learned about psychology (except from Consumer Behavior class that I taught), although being antisocial and introvert is related, but I think it is also affected by other things or contexts. Here my friend only saw me the first time on 2012, while on 2010 I would consider myself as being overly extrovert during my very short time here. During the past years spending my life in Korea, I must admit that I spend time less and less with my friends. I can even count those I consider friends here using one hand only. On the other hand, when I spend my few days in Europe last year, I was being (again) quite extrovert. I reached for people, I went out, it's like the opposite of who I am here. Maybe that is just me. In a new environment I would always try to find out about people around me and how they are like. Anyway.. I'm rambling again.

Friends. They are probably more important than my own family. I know it makes me sounds like I'm not being thankful for my family but it is true, at least for me. I remember my mom said that my friend won't even do/ think the same about me but that is what I feel about my friendships. As a prove, I cried a tear when I saw Vidi after two years not seeing her, while when I saw my mom, I was just ok. I would do anything for my friends, well maybe not really anything but you get what I mean.

Here I would like to talk about few of my friends:
1. Vina. She'll be married in less than a month, to someone whom she dated for 8 years or so.
What I like about her? She's honest. She has integrity in her own definition that she doesn't mind whether people would hate her because of that. And she is always there for me, not only through calls, but for real.
What I remember the most about her? She came to mall Lippo Karawaci after I called her to come. I was having a very painful complication of menstrual cramp and acid reflux, while my dearly beloved mother had had to left me to come home, to check whether she has turned off the gas stove. Vina came in less than an hour I think.

to be continued...

Saturday, February 6, 2016

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Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Countries I Have Visited

Friday, May 9, 2014

Hate me

You can call me 'dog' or 'bullshit' or whatever nasty word that you have in your mind, but don't call him/ her whom I love 'dog', as I also don't want other ppl to call you by 'dog'.

Hate me for forever if that pleases you, if that can help you to forget about me, yet I won't suggest that since we both know it's not good for anyone, mentally and physically.

I am letting you go with this. Whomever, whatever, wherever you are end up with will no longer bother me, unless it's a critical situation that involves your survival.

I often made mistakes in decisions that I took, but I will never regret it. No matter what ppl keep reminding me. No matter what you whisper there. This is my life. If it is broken then let it be. You are not responsible of me.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Bandung - Malang train and the 'Child of All Nations'

Reading a novel by Pramoedya Ananta Toer, a famous writer from Indonesia (nothing more I can say about his biography except that he passed away around 2006), titled 'Child of All Nations' or in Indonesian, Anak Segala Bangsa. I remember that my mom has his book in Dutch version which maybe published around 1980s?. While I mentioned this book, it made me think, why is it titled Child of All Nations? I wondered, if there are more around hundreds? (I'm not sure) nations in this world, can one be conceived from parents that has combinations of races and cultures from all the nations around the world? (Just checked and turns out there are 195 nations at the moment.)

This thought leads me to a conversation I had with my friend, Vic. Indeed, a person who has the experience of studying in foreign countries tends to have a (slightly?) more open mind view compared to person who are traped in its own culture and language, even worse, a person who never traveled anywhere inside his/ her own country. A person who study foreign language and culture without having the opportunity to experience the foreign life and yet having no passion to explore its own country, its own culture. Him who does not know about his own people, no matter how many languages he speaks. Which reminds me about two things. An Indonesian idiom, 'Gajah di sebrang lautan nampak, tapi semut di ujung mata tidak terlihat' or to be translated in English, 'You can see the elephant across the sea, yet an ant in front of your eyes is invisible'. This idiom is usually used to describe a person who always point out at other persons fault while he/ she's not aware at his/ her own mistakes. I think this quote also applies to the case I mentioned above. The second thing that comes to my mind is a sentence in the book, it said that, the higher someone study, it should not turn him to be an arrogant, yet it should remind him that there are more things to be learn, things that we still don't know; a reminder for someone to be humble.
After I read this note again, this might looks like an irony when I myself here writes in English, while my native language is Indonesia. I guess a part of me want this note to be read by people who don't speak Indonesian, so that they can understand a bit about Indonesia.
Anyway, the actual reason why I started to write this note is because, when there is a scene when Mingke (the main character int his novel) finally goes down to the lower class people, through a ride using traditional train with his mother-in-law and an Indo (mix race between Netherlander and Indonesian) journalist. Mingke felt challenged since this journalist accused him that since Mingke is always writing in Dutch (Mingke is half college student and part-time journalist as well that time), he never write in his own people language, which is still Malay, or the region language, Javanese, on that time. Indonesian languange has not been found yet. This decision indicates that Mingke might not know well about his own Javanese people, yet he claims he knows a lot about his people and even more the European (especially Netherland people whom on that time invades Indonesia. The trip that Mingke has reminds me of my own trip when I was still on the elementary school I think, with my mother, to Malang, East Java, Indonesia. My mother was born there on 1959, and so my grandfather and most relatives still stay in Malang on that time.



When we departed to Malang, we ride an Economy class train. It was maybe the cheapest class of train that still allows you to sit in the real chair, with 2-2 colums train, with sit made of fade green synthetic leather.
An example of economy train

I remember that the train stop at every region from Bandung to Surabaya. If I'm not wrong, It was an 15  hours train. And every time it stops, the 'pedagang asongan', or the hawkers, would ride on the train and sell their stuff, ranging from traditional foods to daily amenity stuff that can be sold in small cheap amount.
Hawkers on the train :)

At that time I thought it was the only train that is available to connect Bandung-Jakarta trip, until when we arrived at Malang and then one of the relatives asks how did we get there, on that time I came to know that it was not the only type of train available. I remember I ask my mother why did we choose to ride that train? The hop-in-hop-off seller is very disturbing, we cannot sleep well and it always stop at the small station. Not to mention that the train does not have air-conditioner, and it only has a small window which you can open to let the outside breeze comes in so that people do not faint inside the train. And don't imagine that at that time economy train in Indonesia is like economy train Japan where everything is clean and people might have showered at least before they traveled. My mom said that it was meant to be a part of my learning, so that I came to know about small people although I guess it was also because my mom need to save some money since my father has passed away on that time, leaving very small amount of money for us to live. When we came back to Bandung from Malang, this time we ride the executive train, which equipt with air-conditioner and straight does to Bandung, stopping only in big stations (around 5 stations only compared to the previous train that we rode which stops at at least 15 stations).
An example of executive train

Another thought that popped in my mind, is that, finally after a long time I started to write something that is meaningful again. Thanks to the Pramoedya's book :) I remember one time I spoke with my uncle's mother, and I said, I think you should write a book, because her stories about when Indonesia's fight towards gaining their independence, or about kids that she taught fascinated me. She's a retired high school teacher, and in my own opinion, person whose job is a teacher, a real passionate one, is one of them who holds a lot of wisdom. A lot of knowledge. A person who does an act, and usually they evaluate those acts, resulting in some conclusion about life, a wisdom, that is useful to be shared. This note is meant to be a part of my life story book someday when I died. Particularly at this moment I fell that I can write and write, but the fire itself is not the most important thing is how we live our life. Another important thing is to know when to stop, and when to start again; to keep the fire steady and never dies no matter what we face in our life, unless our brain does not work anymore. On that time I have to give up :) So, till' another time!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

What... what... what?

What's the point of living when you will die in the end?
What's the point of keeping images, both static and dynamic of things that will sooner or later lose it's life?
What's the point of giving the best for someone that you love when you yourself can't even live a proper life?
What's the point of satisfying your ego?
Who is the happiest person on Earth? Is it the richest one? The prettiest one?
No. It's them who can be truly happy about themselves, no matter in what condition they are, no matter what people tell them, no matter whether they're limp or blind or living on the street or will die in three days, because in that moment, when you can do something for other people, when you can give your best out of nothing, we learn to appreciate ourselves.To appreciate The Higher Power that created us.
We learn to love life, and not to hold grunge upon it or worse, blaming someone for what happened in our life.
Anyway, this note still lacks of structure and more applicable example, I know, but I hope we might learn something today :)
Cheers!


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